Health: I Am Lost. Again.

I am back down the black hole. Again. 

Lately I have been sad again. Not the normal kind of sad.   I am still the happy person at work, with Yuuki, with friends but then there would be 'the time' when I am being sucked by the black hole. I can feel it in my bones. 

I have been avoiding people. I have been ditching all the invites. I don't want to mingle with anyone after work. I don't wanna wake up. Either I binge eat or don't eat at all. The house is a mess. I haven't washed clothes in two weeks. I have been leaving dirty dishes in the sink which is not normal. I don't wanna take a bath. I don't wanna get up in the morning, I don't wanna go to work. All I want at this point is to sleep everything off. My feelings, my fear, everyone! 

I am having THE thoughts again and I am scared I might act it out. I don't want to be alone but I don't want company either. I want silence but I want to scream too. I am afraid I might drown myself literally the next chance I get. I am scared of myself right now. But I am afraid of leaving Yuuki. I can't bear leaving her forever. I don't wanna leave Yuuki with my sister. I am afraid that once Yuuki's gone I might harm myself. Yuuki is the only one holding me back. I am scared of losing her because I am scared of what I can do to myself. 

I am watching her sleep peacefully now as I am writing this crying. I know she can sense that something is wrong with me. She's being extra clingy that she would be beside me in bed even if it means half of her is about to fall off the bed. I would wake up at night to pee with her intensely looking at me as if she's checking if I am still breathing and would get excited when I rise up. She would stand watch at the bathroom.door whenever I take a bath in the wee hours of morning prepping for work. Will sleep on her bed once I am out. She doesn't do that with me on normal days. 

I am meaning to seek help again. But I don't want meds. It ruins my thinking. It slows me down. It messes me more. I want to talk things with anyone, with someone but I don't wanna be judged. I don't want my voice be u heard. I am meaning to join a group of people suffering the same but I am afraid I might absorb their energies and that would be a big problem for me. 

I am lost. Please help me find me.