Another random thought from me, but this one follows one topic only, what my WANTS (like is when I enjoy having/doing something, want is when I need to do/have something) are, be it material things or not. Selfish as it seems, but what the heck, everybody needs to write off what they want, whether they were / they'd be able get it or not.
When I was a kid, all I want is to finish my studies, earn a degree, work, meet someone good, stable and ready to be my husband then finally, get married at the age of 25. I was never a materialistic kid. I'm happy and satisfied with what I had at that time. It's as if I don't see certain things as complicated as it seems now. I was happy then if I got to have an autograph -- for my new friends to write, a few notebooks for all my subjects (I guess this is where my being "OCD" started, I hate to have two subjects written in one notebook). New shoes every school year, with five socks for each day brings me joy back then. Simple things such as black ballpoint pen that writes good, backpack that is not too brightly colored, an organizer (pretending that I am organized at a young age. I don't even know what to write in some parts of it), those are some of my WANT stuffs back when I was young. But it was never an issue if I won't get it. It was never a big deal for me.
Growing up, when I was about to graduate from high school, there are some that I WANTED very bad but I was not able to get hold of. I was to study in one of the state universities, but I wasn't able to get it. It was then I knew how hard it is to not get what you want. And it was around that time that I knew that my family is not the way I think we were, financially. So, instead of WANTING to study, my wants changed. I want to work, then study or do both during that time, which I did. I did great in juggling my time, from studying from 7AM to 2PM, then work from 3PM to 10PM. I want and liked what I was doing and it lasted for a year. A year of struggling between what I want and what I should do. Then I quit wanting. It was then that I realized, that I won't be able to get what I want if I wasn't wholeheartedly doing my best in getting it.
It was that same time when I took a summer workshop, acting, that is. At about the same time that I WANT to try theater. I know I am good at this, and I WANT it, the same way that I WANT the other things that I wanted before, but it was not that long before that WANTING stopped. Again, I need to prioritize what my WANTS are. Off to work, all those WANTING for a lot of things started to fade, became blurry, then gone.
Then there came an offer from a relative, that would help me get back to what I WANTED from the start, STUDY. Of course it didn't came as a dessert served on a nice plate with tea, coffee or juice beside it. I have to stop wanting to work, wanting to earn. I did and took risk of concentrating, wanting just one thing. I did well, but not for long. It took me two years before I stopped wanting to study. I still want to do so, but financially, I can't. Even the one supporting we wants me to finish what I have started but financially, we all can't.
I shifted back to WANTING to work and help my family, send my siblings to school, help with the bills and all. Up to now, I am still under this WANT sickness, but underneath all these wants is me, gone back to being the simple me, back to the simple me who just WANTED simple things. I'm back to wanting little things such as good ballpoint pen, comfy shoes, diary (I quit wanting organizer), alcohol (rubbing alcohol, handy, for hygienic purposes), and a chocolate bar every now and then, whenever the need arises. All the BIGGER WANTS (appliances, accessories, gadgets), it's not me who really wanted those, well, I WANT them, but it's more of I WANT them for my family. I guess it's the responsible side of me that is WANTING it, because in some ways, I want them to have what I think is nice and will be useful to them, as long as I can afford it.
As I am writing this, I still have the same feeling of WANTING to earn a degree, of WANTING to meet someone (he needs not to be THAT good and ready to be a husband because I'm not even sure if I'm gonna marry him for that matter), of WANTING to give my family what they WANT and the feeling of WANTING this job I have. I think those are the things that I really WANTED.
When I was a kid, all I want is to finish my studies, earn a degree, work, meet someone good, stable and ready to be my husband then finally, get married at the age of 25. I was never a materialistic kid. I'm happy and satisfied with what I had at that time. It's as if I don't see certain things as complicated as it seems now. I was happy then if I got to have an autograph -- for my new friends to write, a few notebooks for all my subjects (I guess this is where my being "OCD" started, I hate to have two subjects written in one notebook). New shoes every school year, with five socks for each day brings me joy back then. Simple things such as black ballpoint pen that writes good, backpack that is not too brightly colored, an organizer (pretending that I am organized at a young age. I don't even know what to write in some parts of it), those are some of my WANT stuffs back when I was young. But it was never an issue if I won't get it. It was never a big deal for me.
Growing up, when I was about to graduate from high school, there are some that I WANTED very bad but I was not able to get hold of. I was to study in one of the state universities, but I wasn't able to get it. It was then I knew how hard it is to not get what you want. And it was around that time that I knew that my family is not the way I think we were, financially. So, instead of WANTING to study, my wants changed. I want to work, then study or do both during that time, which I did. I did great in juggling my time, from studying from 7AM to 2PM, then work from 3PM to 10PM. I want and liked what I was doing and it lasted for a year. A year of struggling between what I want and what I should do. Then I quit wanting. It was then that I realized, that I won't be able to get what I want if I wasn't wholeheartedly doing my best in getting it.
It was that same time when I took a summer workshop, acting, that is. At about the same time that I WANT to try theater. I know I am good at this, and I WANT it, the same way that I WANT the other things that I wanted before, but it was not that long before that WANTING stopped. Again, I need to prioritize what my WANTS are. Off to work, all those WANTING for a lot of things started to fade, became blurry, then gone.
Then there came an offer from a relative, that would help me get back to what I WANTED from the start, STUDY. Of course it didn't came as a dessert served on a nice plate with tea, coffee or juice beside it. I have to stop wanting to work, wanting to earn. I did and took risk of concentrating, wanting just one thing. I did well, but not for long. It took me two years before I stopped wanting to study. I still want to do so, but financially, I can't. Even the one supporting we wants me to finish what I have started but financially, we all can't.
I shifted back to WANTING to work and help my family, send my siblings to school, help with the bills and all. Up to now, I am still under this WANT sickness, but underneath all these wants is me, gone back to being the simple me, back to the simple me who just WANTED simple things. I'm back to wanting little things such as good ballpoint pen, comfy shoes, diary (I quit wanting organizer), alcohol (rubbing alcohol, handy, for hygienic purposes), and a chocolate bar every now and then, whenever the need arises. All the BIGGER WANTS (appliances, accessories, gadgets), it's not me who really wanted those, well, I WANT them, but it's more of I WANT them for my family. I guess it's the responsible side of me that is WANTING it, because in some ways, I want them to have what I think is nice and will be useful to them, as long as I can afford it.
As I am writing this, I still have the same feeling of WANTING to earn a degree, of WANTING to meet someone (he needs not to be THAT good and ready to be a husband because I'm not even sure if I'm gonna marry him for that matter), of WANTING to give my family what they WANT and the feeling of WANTING this job I have. I think those are the things that I really WANTED.
