Health: Suicidal

I'm having suicidal thoughts again.

But you don't have to worry. I am stronger than my thoughts. I am stronger because I believe in me and I believe I can conquer these thoughts.

I am thinking about it when I am inside the bathroom. Seeing the bathroom cleaner and bleach. Main reason why I get rid of muriatic acid in the bathroom.

I am thinking about it when I am washing the dishes. Whenever I get hold of the knife. I have thought of it piercing through my skin. Reaching my veins. Blood running through the drain.

I am thinking about it when I am eating. I am thinking of adding anything poisonous to my food. That is why I kept the chalk (for insects), mosquito coil and bathroom deodorizer under the sink. Far from my sight.

I am thinking about it every time I see my medicine box. Drinking everything all at once. And that is why it's at the bottom of my bag.

I am thinking about it every time I go out of the house. To just jump in front of a truck or any vehicle that I think can crush me to death. Made me thank the Universe for traffic.

I think about it when I am going to and from work.

I think about it when I am at work.

I think about it during day time and at night.

But it will remain to be a thought. Because I am thinking of reasons why it needs to be a thought, why it has to remain as a thought.

I am thinking about Mama. I saw her when we lost my sister. I don't want her to go through it again, even if I am her least favorite.

I am thinking about my siblings. I don't want them to lose another Ate. We may not have the best relationship as siblings but we still care for each other. I don't want Dale to feel unloved again.

I am thinking about my crays. How they have been with me all throughout. How they've got my back all the time.

I am thinking about my real friends. They will surely miss me, even for a while.

I am thinking about Yuuki. Where she will be when I'm gone? How will her life be if I will leave her? I am all that Yuuki got. Like my crays, Yuuki is there for me all the time. Yuuki is there when I cry myself to sleep. She's there every anxiety attack, for the last 3 years. She has seen all my tears, snot and sweat crying my heart out for all the reason that has made anxious. Yuuki has never left my side even at times that I don't want her near me. She is my shock absorber. She loved me in the most unconditional way that she can. And I don't think I am even worthy of it.

And that is how I know I am stronger than these thoughts.

Moving On, Seriously

Just an Instagram post but it means a lot, speaks a lot. All I need to see is one IG post and that's it. 

I've been struggling lately, since I have confirmed that I do have 'feelings' for you. It was never easy controlling the emotion -- because I am not used to it. But because our friendship is far more important than how I feel, I tried my very best to have it under control. If you were just another guy, I don't care if you would know how I feel. 

So, as I was saying, all I need to see is that one post from your Instagram page. That says a lot about what I need to do. Well, I do know what to do from the beginning, it's just that I am refusing to do so because of this 'feelings' that I have for you. I wish you well -- again, cliche as I always tell all of you this. I want you to be truly happy because you deserve it. 

Yes, this might be the last that I will write about you here and talk about how I fell for you. I hope that the next time I would write about you is because we, as a group, traveled somewhere or went out. 

Thank you, you were the reason why I find it easy to smile during those days. I wish to still see that reason and I hope that you can still make me smile -- well, you still do. Thank you and see you around.