My Last Post About You

     This would be my last post about you. 

    I just want to thank you for the five years and four months of being friends. Seven months of those, you made me happy, yet uncertain, very uncertain.

Typewriters Voice

    I still believe in you despite of what happened. Behind the pain and the hurt you have caused me, I still believe that there is goodness in you. You were not born an ego maniac. I still want to know who hurt you that much to make you be the person that you are. I still want to know your deepest secret that you never told anyone, because I still care.

     But...

Health: Suicidal

I'm having suicidal thoughts again.

But you don't have to worry. I am stronger than my thoughts. I am stronger because I believe in me and I believe I can conquer these thoughts.

I am thinking about it when I am inside the bathroom. Seeing the bathroom cleaner and bleach. Main reason why I get rid of muriatic acid in the bathroom.

I am thinking about it when I am washing the dishes. Whenever I get hold of the knife. I have thought of it piercing through my skin. Reaching my veins. Blood running through the drain.

I am thinking about it when I am eating. I am thinking of adding anything poisonous to my food. That is why I kept the chalk (for insects), mosquito coil and bathroom deodorizer under the sink. Far from my sight.

I am thinking about it every time I see my medicine box. Drinking everything all at once. And that is why it's at the bottom of my bag.

I am thinking about it every time I go out of the house. To just jump in front of a truck or any vehicle that I think can crush me to death. Made me thank the Universe for traffic.

I think about it when I am going to and from work.

I think about it when I am at work.

I think about it during day time and at night.

But it will remain to be a thought. Because I am thinking of reasons why it needs to be a thought, why it has to remain as a thought.

I am thinking about Mama. I saw her when we lost my sister. I don't want her to go through it again, even if I am her least favorite.

I am thinking about my siblings. I don't want them to lose another Ate. We may not have the best relationship as siblings but we still care for each other. I don't want Dale to feel unloved again.

I am thinking about my crays. How they have been with me all throughout. How they've got my back all the time.

I am thinking about my real friends. They will surely miss me, even for a while.

I am thinking about Yuuki. Where she will be when I'm gone? How will her life be if I will leave her? I am all that Yuuki got. Like my crays, Yuuki is there for me all the time. Yuuki is there when I cry myself to sleep. She's there every anxiety attack, for the last 3 years. She has seen all my tears, snot and sweat crying my heart out for all the reason that has made anxious. Yuuki has never left my side even at times that I don't want her near me. She is my shock absorber. She loved me in the most unconditional way that she can. And I don't think I am even worthy of it.

And that is how I know I am stronger than these thoughts.

Moving On, Seriously

Just an Instagram post but it means a lot, speaks a lot. All I need to see is one IG post and that's it. 

I've been struggling lately, since I have confirmed that I do have 'feelings' for you. It was never easy controlling the emotion -- because I am not used to it. But because our friendship is far more important than how I feel, I tried my very best to have it under control. If you were just another guy, I don't care if you would know how I feel. 

So, as I was saying, all I need to see is that one post from your Instagram page. That says a lot about what I need to do. Well, I do know what to do from the beginning, it's just that I am refusing to do so because of this 'feelings' that I have for you. I wish you well -- again, cliche as I always tell all of you this. I want you to be truly happy because you deserve it. 

Yes, this might be the last that I will write about you here and talk about how I fell for you. I hope that the next time I would write about you is because we, as a group, traveled somewhere or went out. 

Thank you, you were the reason why I find it easy to smile during those days. I wish to still see that reason and I hope that you can still make me smile -- well, you still do. Thank you and see you around.

Same Old Feeling - Different Guy - Happens All The Time

You had me at "pengeng pagkain".

I have known you for almost a year now. You have been very nice. I never thought that we would be friends aside from being teammates then. You are the usual teammate -- makulit, maingay, funny -- but that was fine. It made our shift less stressful. We were never close then. I don't know much from you back then -- well, not that I know more now. You have different set of friends then and now.

Until we started training for the new account. I began to know more of you. Aside from being your usual matakaw self, I have known that you dig movies so much that makes my liking movies an understatement. I've known that you are at the early stage of Alzheimer -- not seriously though. Just a joke because you always, always leave something behind - water bottle, ID, wallet, but never your mobile phone as you always have the need to go online -- go outside the office, spend some time, connect to the internet and watch online or continue with your downloads perhaps or chat with whoever it is. I like it when you take time to reply to Facebook comments with your wit and annoying responses. But it works, it always make me smile and annoyed at the same time. I like seeing how matakaw you are. You are not a picky eater aside from raisins and peas. Very unusual that these information were ingrained in my memory -- but to even that out, just last night, I bought Jean a peach-mango pie since she was craving for it the night before. So it's not just with you, don't be flattered that much. During these days, someone might say that I have started to like you as early as the training started. It might be when it started but not when I realized when my liking began.

It was until that very unfortunate day - not the bad unfortunate but the unfortunate realization that I have started to like you. It was just recently that I have 'analyzed' when I have started to have this funny feeling. I can't admit it to myself because I am actually rooting for you and Jean -- that even if I know that she is in a relationship and unsure of your status then, I am secretly hoping. Because I can see that both of you has a lot in common. Going back to these recollections, I know now why I said that it started then. When I saw you and your friend holding hands on our way to a breakfast joint. Then all these crazy emotions followed. All small chikahan, bangayan and asaran started to slowly creep in. This is when I realized "Ay, like ko na siya".

But then again, it cannot be. Why? Because you are my friend to begin with and you are way too young for me. And I have been through this before and it did not end well. As I have said, cliche as it may sound but it's really me and not you that has a problem. It was me who fell for you, with your effortless actions. It is kinda sad that it has come to this, that I have to avoid you just to make sure that this will no longer flourish. I love it every time that you can make me smile but I am afraid that the feelings will develop each time that it would happen. I am sorry that I have to avoid you at work, I'm not sure if you notice it. Am really sorry. I want to keep the friendship that's why I am trying to deny myself of this emotion. I don't know if there would be a time that I can tell you about this, I don't even know if you will come across this and realize that I am talking about you -- well, clues are all written here.

PS:

Sorry. It was not intentional that I fell for you. 

KENT

...create post to my other blog, settings' are wonky. :( I have to write pa naman about new friends. 

Sleep

Been busy lately. The past two months was the busiest, I guess, and because of that, I somehow felt that I was depriving myself of sleep.

I've done 'something' that made my friends worried. 'It' was not really new to me. I've been doing 'it' since '08. Just that 'this' is new to these people and they were worried because they haven't heard from me in 12-15 hours. 

Thank you for worrying about my safety, I'm okay now. You guys are awesome, sorry that I made you worry. I promise not to do what you guys are thinking. I have bigger 'problems' to worry than think about 'that' and I won't do 'that' because of 'him'. AND PUHLEEZZZ, he is not worth doing 'it', excuzes moi! Over my dead, huggable body! :p