I Lost You; Phone and More

Disclaimer: I was not suppose to share this with ANYONE. I am all set keeping this as a secret for the rest of my life. I was triggered because I lost my phone. It's not the phone that I want back but the memory card. It took me more than 24 hours to finish this and 2-3 hours just reading everything again. As it would be the last time that I would be having "my unnamed you" all for myself.

I lost my phone.

More than the value of the phone, I lost a lot of memories, good and bad; happy and sad, stored in that phone. I never thought I would feel this much losing a phone. I didn't just lose the phone. I lost a part of me too. Stored in that phone.

That phone was a silent witness of how my life is for the last five years. LG3 (it's actually an LG G3 Beat model) has seen me fall in and out of love; and repeat. He was my witness of how I am over the last five years. He has all the memories of a love that was five years in the making, and how I lost thrice.

The first time I lost was five years ago. The man I liked then was (I thought) married, with kids. So I settled with being friends. Until four years and nine months later, March 21, to be exact.

Health: Suicidal

I'm having suicidal thoughts again.

But you don't have to worry. I am stronger than my thoughts. I am stronger because I believe in me and I believe I can conquer these thoughts.

I am thinking about it when I am inside the bathroom. Seeing the bathroom cleaner and bleach. Main reason why I get rid of muriatic acid in the bathroom.

I am thinking about it when I am washing the dishes. Whenever I get hold of the knife. I have thought of it piercing through my skin. Reaching my veins. Blood running through the drain.

I am thinking about it when I am eating. I am thinking of adding anything poisonous to my food. That is why I kept the chalk (for insects), mosquito coil and bathroom deodorizer under the sink. Far from my sight.

I am thinking about it every time I see my medicine box. Drinking everything all at once. And that is why it's at the bottom of my bag.

I am thinking about it every time I go out of the house. To just jump in front of a truck or any vehicle that I think can crush me to death. Made me thank the Universe for traffic.

I think about it when I am going to and from work.

I think about it when I am at work.

I think about it during day time and at night.

But it will remain to be a thought. Because I am thinking of reasons why it needs to be a thought, why it has to remain as a thought.

I am thinking about Mama. I saw her when we lost my sister. I don't want her to go through it again, even if I am her least favorite.

I am thinking about my siblings. I don't want them to lose another Ate. We may not have the best relationship as siblings but we still care for each other. I don't want Dale to feel unloved again.

I am thinking about my crays. How they have been with me all throughout. How they've got my back all the time.

I am thinking about my real friends. They will surely miss me, even for a while.

I am thinking about Yuuki. Where she will be when I'm gone? How will her life be if I will leave her? I am all that Yuuki got. Like my crays, Yuuki is there for me all the time. Yuuki is there when I cry myself to sleep. She's there every anxiety attack, for the last 3 years. She has seen all my tears, snot and sweat crying my heart out for all the reason that has made anxious. Yuuki has never left my side even at times that I don't want her near me. She is my shock absorber. She loved me in the most unconditional way that she can. And I don't think I am even worthy of it.

And that is how I know I am stronger than these thoughts.

Health: I Am Lost. Again.

I am back down the black hole. Again. 

Lately I have been sad again. Not the normal kind of sad.   I am still the happy person at work, with Yuuki, with friends but then there would be 'the time' when I am being sucked by the black hole. I can feel it in my bones. 

I have been avoiding people. I have been ditching all the invites. I don't want to mingle with anyone after work. I don't wanna wake up. Either I binge eat or don't eat at all. The house is a mess. I haven't washed clothes in two weeks. I have been leaving dirty dishes in the sink which is not normal. I don't wanna take a bath. I don't wanna get up in the morning, I don't wanna go to work. All I want at this point is to sleep everything off. My feelings, my fear, everyone! 

I am having THE thoughts again and I am scared I might act it out. I don't want to be alone but I don't want company either. I want silence but I want to scream too. I am afraid I might drown myself literally the next chance I get. I am scared of myself right now. But I am afraid of leaving Yuuki. I can't bear leaving her forever. I don't wanna leave Yuuki with my sister. I am afraid that once Yuuki's gone I might harm myself. Yuuki is the only one holding me back. I am scared of losing her because I am scared of what I can do to myself. 

I am watching her sleep peacefully now as I am writing this crying. I know she can sense that something is wrong with me. She's being extra clingy that she would be beside me in bed even if it means half of her is about to fall off the bed. I would wake up at night to pee with her intensely looking at me as if she's checking if I am still breathing and would get excited when I rise up. She would stand watch at the bathroom.door whenever I take a bath in the wee hours of morning prepping for work. Will sleep on her bed once I am out. She doesn't do that with me on normal days. 

I am meaning to seek help again. But I don't want meds. It ruins my thinking. It slows me down. It messes me more. I want to talk things with anyone, with someone but I don't wanna be judged. I don't want my voice be u heard. I am meaning to join a group of people suffering the same but I am afraid I might absorb their energies and that would be a big problem for me. 

I am lost. Please help me find me.