Disclaimer: I was not suppose to share this with ANYONE. I am all set keeping this as a secret for the rest of my life. I was triggered because I lost my phone. It's not the phone that I want back but the memory card. It took me more than 24 hours to finish this and 2-3 hours just reading everything again. As it would be the last time that I would be having "my unnamed you" all for myself.
I lost my phone.
More than the value of the phone, I lost a lot of memories, good and bad; happy and sad, stored in that phone. I never thought I would feel this much losing a phone. I didn't just lose the phone. I lost a part of me too. Stored in that phone.
That phone was a silent witness of how my life is for the last five years. LG3 (it's actually an LG G3 Beat model) has seen me fall in and out of love; and repeat. He was my witness of how I am over the last five years. He has all the memories of a love that was five years in the making, and how I lost thrice.
The first time I lost was five years ago. The man I liked then was (I thought) married, with kids. So I settled with being friends. Until four years and nine months later, March 21, to be exact.
I thought that was my chance. And of course I believed him then.
I lost again six months after, October 1. That is when I lost you, my unnamed you. You should have been my answered prayer. The would-be reason to hold on to life. I even sent one of your Aunts a picture of you in a clear first line and faint 2nd line.
In him (LG3), I have saved four important pictures from the last seven months. A picture of a life forming, ending, why and how it ended. Maybe it was the Universe's way of saying it will not matter to the person who I intend to share those pictures with.
**Commercial break
Now I am crying. Reason why I don't want to start writing this, because it will take time before I can finish it. It will bring back all the sad memories of October - when I got you, my and Tatang's birthday month.**
If only I can remove October from all the calendars,I would. If only time will skip October every year. I will only have this to remember you by. This will be the only memory that I will have of you. You should have been the best birthday gift that I could ever have. You should have been there when your Aunts surprised me for my 40th. That would really give meaning to "Life begins at 40".
But no. I already lost you before I got the chance to tell the world. I already lost you even before I got confirmations that I have you. Do not despise me, that I didn't take care of me to make you stay long - long enough to see us out, or even just me. Do not hate me in the afterlife.
**Commercial break
I'm having hard time seeing what I am typing. Tears!**
And then I lost your Tatang.
I lost your Tatang because I don't share the same interest as him. I lost your Tatang because I was not the one he wants to annoy. I lost your Tatang because I was not the one who made him stop smoking, made him shave his beard, made him cut his hair, made him cut back on his alcohol intake. I lost your Tatang because I am only 'special' to him. I lost your Tatang because I just wanted him to be him. Believe me, I tried so many times to make him do all those and his response would only be a resounding "no" and because I have so much respect for your Tatang that I don't want to force anything to him. I lost your Tatang because I was so busy helping him reach his dreams. Because I want your Tatang to be known for his passion. Because I want your siblings to be proud of your Tatang for choosing his passion over a steady income. Sorry if I was too busy that I never realized then that I was about to lose your Tatang. I didn't know we will be losing your Tatang.
**Commercial break**
To my unnamed you, do not hate me nor your Tatang. He doesn't know anything. Do not hate me for not reaching out to anyone -- before, while and after you. I don't know how I will deal with it. Besides, I think I am old and strong enough to go through this alone and not worry and burden anyone else. Please do not blame me that I didn't take care of you. I would love to, would move heaven and Earth just to take care of you. Just to have you in my arms and sing you a lullaby, even if it's out of tune. All your Aunts and Lolas would love to see you. Because they know that you are (would be) my happiness even before I have you. Yuuki would love to have you. If in case -- if you were given the chance to be here outside -- and you are not compatible with Yuuki health-wise, my Yuuki would understand if she has to be away. Sadly though, we won't know that. Lolo Biboy loved you that much, he gave you wings the soonest he can.
**Commercial break
I am shaking typing all these. Shirt soaked in tears. Yuuki and Kikay are looking at me.**
To my unnamed you, Nanay (that is what I would want you to call me) would love you forever even if you were just all blood. That all I got to keep then were those 4 pictures that are now gone forever. I am sorry If I didn't saved those pictures elsewhere. I am sorry that Nanay did not tell Tatang any sooner. Things might've been different, but Nanay will not use you to have your Tatang stay, never. Nanay will forever be sad every 1st of October.
To my unnamed you, you should have been 2 months or more by now. If you were just given the chance to be out here nine months after and grew to be a fine being, I am sure you will be proud of your siblings. I will let you know who your siblings are. Your two brothers and your sister. Even if Tatang won't like it.
To my unnamed you, do not ever think in the afterlife that it was you who caused Nanay's anxiety attack before I lost you. Nanay is not and will not blame you for all the anxiety attacks. You didn't know. It was all because of the circumstances that Nanay and Tatang has. I loved you even before I know I had you. Do not blame Tatang as well, I am already sick with this when I met Tatang.
To my unnamed you, I will still be friends with your Tatang, maybe not now, but in the future, just to be reminded that I -- we -- had you.
To Tatang, even if he will not be able to read this, remember when I cried during breakfast on the day I packed your things? It was because of this and not just because of the messages I have seen in your phone. That was supposed to be our goodbye. I tried again to tell you about "my unnamed you" when I invited you to see the exhibit. Remember when I was just watching you take all those pictures? I was thinking how to tell you. Remember when I cried then, I told you I was just overwhelmed. No. I cried because I know I was losing you and that I lost the only gift that you have given me. I tried to tell you again when we were at home but you were too busy with your phone that I stopped talking because I know you were no longer listening. I tried telling you the morning after but you were in a hurry to leave. Remember when I invited you on the night of my birthday? I was hoping to tell you about our "my unnamed you" before my birthday ends and when your birthday starts, but you said you were too tired. I waited for you to invite me on your birthday, that will be another timing to tell you but you didn't, because I know you are with someone then. Then you and the kids went home for the school break, I thought I would tell you once you're back, once you come home to me - and that didn't happen. Until I knew why you won't be coming home anymore. That is when I told you that I have to unfriend you. Losing you and "my unnamed you" is too much. I hope you understand.
I am not good, never will be good in losing - be it my (then) favorite Mangyan, "my unnamed you" or my phone.
"I was going to have a baby but I had an ANGEL instead."
PS:
I have been re-reading this and crying non-stop. I don't know if I am ready to share this on my Facebook page, for selected people to know. I don't want them to judge Tatang. I don't want them to pity me or us because of the choices I have made. I don't want them to know I lost you, "my unnamed you".
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