Pain In My Heart

It's 2:30 AM. I woke up almost an hour ago crying. 

Losing a part of you is painful. The grief doesn't just stop. They say that the more you verbalize the pain, the easier it will be to accept. I don't know if days will get easier. The pain will forever be a part of me. 

I have shared part of the story to some people I have just met and trusted. You feel it in your gut, when you meet people, if they are sincere and trustworthy. And I am glad that they are. They have welcomed me with an open heart and mind. They did not judge me for my decisions and actions. And my heart swells because of it. 

The recent event made me realize that I don't have to keep everything all to myself, yet I am not ready to let the person involved know. Not this time. Not anytime soon. Am I being selfish, anak? 

Muy, I don't know if Nanay is ready. Help Nanay know when it's time. I still feel you in my heart. You will forever be in my heart. 

I got you a shirt. Nanay has one too, with our names on it. That will be the only keepsake that I have of you from now on. 

Help me heal my heart from losing you, Muy. Let Nanay forgive herself, Tatang and the circumstances around us. I may be hurting now from losing you and Tatang. I am getting over losing your Tatang, what's causing me too much pain -- in my heart, mind and soul -- is the thought that I could've had you still, had I known better. Forgive me, anak, for not trusting my instincts. 

I am beating myself hard because of this. I know it is more my fault than anyone else. Nanay is deeply sorry. I will forever be taking this against me. Help Nanay forgive herself. 

I saw your Tatang last Saturday night. Sorry, anak, if Nanay doesn't want to talk to your Tatang. Not this soon. But I promise you, when it's time, Nanay and Tatang will still be friends. Nanay is still lucky because your Aunts - Tita Bhem, Tita Jam, Tita Nix, Tato Chen, Tita Pau, Tita Jem, Tita Grace and Tita Ning - understands what Nanay went through. That Nanay has to keep this first from your Tatang. 

Anak, I don't know how to move on from this. Hug Nanay in my sleep. Help me get over everything. It's been two months of crying whenever I am reminded of you. But I don't want to forget you either. Not ever. You will be the best pain that I had - one that I would love to endure forever.